[REVIEW] Avengers: Infinity War (mostly Spoiler-Free)

HOLY. SHIT. You guys. We’re here. We made it. It’s hard to believe, after 10 years and dozens of Marvel films, we’ve FINALLY arrived at Infinity War. You know what that means, right? Motherf*cking Thanos. Ready to destroy the entire MCU on his quest to collect all 6 Infinity Stones. That is unless the Avengers can come together (for a third time) to defeat The Mad Titan and his horde of interdimensional A-holes. But Iron Man and Cap are still beefing since the events of Captain America: Civil War. Like, Tony gets that this Thanos dude will likely vaporize a huge chunk of Earth’s population, but it’s so awkward to text your ex-best friend to ask for help. Do you make Cap an “I’m Sowwie” cake? And why can’t HE call first? UGH. Being on a team of Earth’s mightiest defenders is HARD.

Anywho, now that we’re all caught up, here begins Avengers: Infinity War. I’ll keep it short, sweet, and avoid as many spoilers as possible. (Note: This review will NOT be linear as I will most certainly go off the rails many, many times)

Infinity War is basically all of the MCU jam-packed into two-and-a-half hours. The first chunk is like every season premiere of Games of Thrones: You spend over an hour reintroducing most of our favorite characters, showing us what they’ve been up to since last season (or in this case, since their last respective films), and intersperse that with the new big new threat (sometimes it’s white walkers, sometimes it’s an intergalactic world killer).

The film opens right where we left Thor, Loki, and their ship of Asgardian refugees after Ragnarok: floating in space, about to encounter what most guessed was Thanos’ ship, Sanctuary 2. Well, you were right! We are first treated to a dildo-ey speech from Children of Thanos member, Ebony Maw (who, as I properly described earlier in this sentence, is a total dildo), then SHIT. GOES. CRAZY. Infinity War directors, The Russo Brothers, let us know they aren’t pulling any punches right out of the gate. As I said, I’m not going to spoil anything, but, going back to my Game of Thrones analogy, nobody is safe in this movie. In fact, just go ahead and keep this motif in mind for the rest of the film. Like, until the very, very end.

Children of Thanos (aka Black Order): Proxima Midnight, Black Dwarf, Ebony Maw, Corvus Glaive.

Infinity War gives MCU fans what we’ve wanted for 10 years: all of these stories intertwining, and the chance to see characters interact with other heroes that have never been in a movie together, which is incredibly fun. We even get to see some Earth’s saviors venture out into the galaxy (and some of our favorite Guardians of the Galaxy come to Earth). And the entire MCU cast has great chemistry. Can we just get a Thor and Star-Lord spin-off where they drink beers and solve mysteries around the universe? You can call it, THOR LORD. Or STAR THOR? THAR SORD? I dunno, I’m sure you’ll think of something. GET ON THIS, MARVEL.

All of these crossovers lead up to two of the most epic f*cking battles I’ve ever seen: the assault on Wakanda for the Mind Ston, and the battle for the Time Stone on Thanos’ homeworld, Titan. Since both take place at the same time in the film, we get to jump back and forth between the action. In Wakanda, we get to see the majority of our heroes (and the awesome Wakandian military forces) take on thousands of Thanos’ minions and the remaining Children of Thanos. It makes the Battle for New York in the first Avengers look like child’s play. It’s epic on a “The Battle for Helmes Deep from LOTR Two Towers” meets “Battle for Germania from Gladiator” scale. We get to watch Avengers & Friends mow down endless amounts of minions, plus, some small team-ups to take on the mini-bosses (aka the Children of Thanos). It’s glorious.

Meanwhile, on Titan, we get a team of Spiderman, Iron Man, Doctor Strange and most of the Guardians take on the Mad Titan himself. I know it might not be saying much, but it’s like a much more fun version of the “Superman v. Zod Metropolis” fight in Man of Steel (if all of the other Justice League members were also involved). The colors of a ravaged Titan planet and the use of a completely destructive backdrop (INCLUDING A F*CKING MOON) make this a fantastic-looking fight. Watching our heroes work together to try and steal the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos is hella fun.

To sum up, while there are a few silly moments (like why it takes so long for the Avengers to team up or Peter Dinklage’s continually terrible British accent), Infinity War is an action-packed and incredibly fun film, a worthy culmination of 10 years of universe building.

Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Let us know what you think!

*And there’s no way you’ll expect the ending. If you say differently, you’re a liar and I challenge you to a dual (probably in Mario Kart, cuz I’m pretty damn awesome at Mario Kart).