[REVIEW] Assassin's Creed Movie

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I am a Golden God!

Prologue: Through a revolutionary technology that unlocks his genetic memories, Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) experiences the adventures of his ancestor, Aguilar, in 15th Century Spain. Callum discovers he is descended from a mysterious secret society, the Assassins, and amasses incredible knowledge and skills to take on the oppressive and powerful Templar organization in the present day. ASSASSIN'S CREED stars Academy Award (R) nominee Michael Fassbender (X-Men: Days of Future Past, 12 Years a Slave) and Academy Award winner Marion Cotillard (The Dark Knight Rises, La Vie en Rose). (via Rotten Tomatoes)

First, let me start off by saying I have approximately 3 hours of gameplay into the original Assassin’s Creed and haven’t touched any sequels, which basically left me wondering WTF was going on.

This movie starts out with Callum (Michael Fassbender) as some sort of badass murderer on death row, because his father killed his mother before some dudes in black SUV’s came to his shithole house in California. After his “death” he wakes up in a new place with some chick (Dr. Sophia Rikkin) talking to him about not actually dying and being taken to the “Templar” organization so they can brain fuck him to try and find an apple that controls the world. The girls dad is a huge dick that is trying to make is mark in the “Templars”, so he wants to be all hardcore and shit. Still with me?

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Aguilar (Callum’s ancestor/spirit animal) is trying to keep a King from trading the “apple of eden” to some templar dicks in exchange for his son “the prince”’s life. After many jumps from the 15th century to modern day, all hell breaks loose and Callum decides to be an Assassin and break free from the Templars with his homies. Once they manage to break free from a super-max like facility using sticks and 500 year old daggers they go after the girls dad to kill him and retrieve the apple. At this point Marion Cotillard’s character Dr. Sophia Rikkin seems to be in favor of the assassins, because Callum tells her he is there to kill her dad, but once they merc her dad she gets all pissed and out for vengeance all the sudden. End of movie.

Overall, This movie actually had some decent fight scenes and a pretty stacked cast, but still managed to deliver a sloppy storyline and sub-par CGI (The Leap of Faith was pretty dope though). I have no idea what actually took place here, but it was at some points entertaining and most points boring. However, there were some kids that stood up (with hoodies on of course) and clapped, so who the fuck knows. I’d say get high, or drunk and give it a shot!

Final verdict: 2 out of 5 shitty 15th century daggers.

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Just like this film.